If there’s one thing that qualifies you for a task in DIY world, it’s having a name that’s vaguely punnable on said duty. It’s why poor Marika Hackman was forced to play various maraca-based ditties, and why, frankly, Matt Maltese needs to watch out come Easter.
So now we’re reaching the peak of the festive season, what better folk to take on the role of our in-house Father Christmas than everyone’s favourite Wakefielders The Cribs? Heck, they’ve even been touring their third instalment of Cribsmas themselves!
With that in mind, we gave the Jarmans the most tricky of Santa’s tasks to tackle for a series of famous faces: the naughty and nice list. Will they bless their peers with the keys to the festive bounty or will they condemn them to a lump of coal? “We don’t actually have to buy them presents, do we?” questions Ryan, visibly worried. “You do know we’re gonna put everyone on the nice list because we’re the nicest guys in rock…” chastises Gary. Let’s begin!
Gary: That’s a really tough one because, since having Johnny in the band, longtime Smiths fans already occupy a love or hate position.
Ryan: I would say, just for this year, he wants knocking down a peg or two I say. Just for this year. Maybe put him on the naughty list.
G: Maybe get him some potato peelings this year and it’ll do him some good next year. I haven’t read enough about what he’s been saying, but all I can say is anyone who has anything but contempt for Nigel Farage, I can’t tolerate.
R: It does feel like he’s just doing it to court controversy.
Verdict: Naughty list
G: I don’t really know enough about her…
Ross: The only reason I’m inclined to say nice list is purely to do with the fact that Harry Styles showed up to her mum’s house wearing a Cribs t-shirt, but then again I can’t really work out why I’d put her on the nice list for that reason.
G: Because she tolerated her boyfriend wearing that T-shirt. The [very terrible ticketing scheme she implemented for her current tour] is antithetical to my belief system, but at the same time, to the best of my understanding, I feel like she’s being trying to change the industry to be more artist friendly. And when you’re one of the biggest artists in the world, it’s hard to be completely attuned to what’s going on at the other end of the spectrum, but I think her heart’s in the right place. I don’t think an erroneous thing with merch and tour tickets undoes the rest of it.
Verdict: Nice list
All: Nice list.
G: He’s a Cribs fan and that’s good enough for me.
R: We’ve written to each other a few times.
Ross: He put me on the guestlist for One Direction in Sheffield. It was earpiercing. I was the tallest guy there, surrounded by loads of little kids and it gave me a bit of tinnitus.
G: Let me show you something [get’s out phone]… If you look at The Cribs’ verified followers, you’ll see some very interesting people which include Harry Styles, and also not only Harry Styles but the other guy – Niall Horan.
Ross: I’ve DM-ed Harry Styles a few times.
R: Well, I’ve emailed him.
G: He promoted our records; when ‘In The Belly Of The Brazen Bull’ came out he tweeted like, ‘Hey guys, get The Cribs’ new record’. He’s a cool guy.
Ross: And there’s that picture with him in the t-shirt, making a good impression to Taylor Swift’s mum.
Verdict: Nice list
G: Let’s just put him on the nice list cos he released a solo record this year, and fair play to him for that. And I don’t wanna be on the wrong side of him, that’s all there is to it.
R: He got on the wrong side of… no, I’m just gonna leave it. I met him in a bar and it didn’t go so well, let’s leave it at that. But fuck it – water under the bridge.
Verdict: Nice list (ish)
G: That photography thing was a little weird; trying to springboard some sort of morality thing off the back of some other person’s moment of disgrace… he shouldn’t have used that moment of Josh Homme’s to elevate himself. I didn’t really like that. But in my experiences, they’re really nice guys.
Ross: There was one time when we first started and we were all staying at the Columbia Hotel. Gary and Ry didn’t go for breakfast, I went down in the lift with these three guys who I could tell were in a band. I said I was in The Cribs, they said they were in The Killers, who i’d never heard of. I was sat by myself and they asked if I wanted to join them, but I said no. But for the reason that they invited us even though they didn’t know us, I think that’s really nice.
G: I didn’t like that one photography thing, but it’s not really enough to strike them from the list.
Verdict: Nice list
The Cribs’ Extra Special Nomination for Festive Joy
G: Well, personally I would be focusing on US politicians, but that’s quite boring for most people.
Ross: Anyone we say, no-one would have any interest in.
R: Has anyone done anything cool this year? I don’t think anyone’s done anything cool this year.
G: Yeah, like I said, it’d have to be in US politics, Elizabeth Warren leading the resistance. I think that’s totally awesome, of course.
Thanks guys, Merry Cribsmas!
The Cribs’ punk as fuck album ‘24/7 Rock Star Shit’ is out now via Sony Blew. They’ll be touring it in the UK throughout January.