Having spent 2012 in Germany, Art Brut’s Eddie Argos has genuinely missed a veritable feast of delights when it comes to this year’s singles. Keen to rectify the situation, we meet up in a north London pub, ply him with booze, and make him listen to records by people who’ve previously punched him in the head. Team DIY to the rescue!
Drinks ordered: A pint of Guinness
Muse - Madness
It sounds like a Queen song, it goes a bit U2, and Robert Palmer at the end. I don’t like it. But I’m predisposed to hate it, not liking Muse. My ex-girlfriend’s band supported them at a festival in Nimes, and everyone was like, “this is so good, it’s the best thing I’ve ever seen,” and I wanted to punch everybody in the face. Their live show is so embarrassing, it’s like a teenager’s bedroom wall; there’s a projector behind them showing scenes from Tiananmen Square, monkeys being tested on… you’re just waiting for the Betty Blue bits.
Alt-J - Breezeblocks
I thought they were an indie band? Also, I thought that was a girl singing! I don’t think this is for me. They sound like a band of graphic designers…
Jake Bugg - Two Fingers
He’s the Bob Dylan/Oasis guy, right? A shitter Miles Kane. Oh dear. It’s a bit Tommy Steele, isn’t it? I love Tommy Steele, though.
Drinks ordered: Brandy
Robbie Williams - Candy
This is my favourite yet, I like the chorus. All the other songs I’ve found offensive, but this is like radio music. This one doesn’t anger me. I like the “hey ho” bit.
Lana Del Rey - Born To Die
I saw her on Saturday Night Live and it was awful. You’re a famous pop star, don’t just stand there pouting. It’s a bit boring, isn’t it?
Little Mix - Wings
I don’t know if I like this, or I’m just happy that it’s exciting after Lana Del Rey. It sounds like shopping in New Look. It’s obviously the best song in the country, because they won The X Factor. The public have decided.
Bat For Lashes - Laura
If the pub had been open all day, there’d be an old man crying by now. Who’d been sat drinking since 10am. I think my favourite’s Little Mix now.
Drinks ordered: Gin and Tonic
Jack White - Love Interruption
He’s been releasing the same song over and over again for a long time. I love Jack White though. But also, I’ve had a lot to drink, I turn into a nicer person. Little Mix! Brilliant! Alt-J! Brilliant! I like everything now.
Drinks ordered: Gin and Tonic
Chvrches - The Mother We Share
They sound like pop groups should sound. Very Cyndi Lauper. It’s my favourite now. I like Cyndi Lauper.
Bloc Party - Octopus
I like this. This is really good.
It’s still a bit weird listening to Bloc Party, after I got in a massive fist fight with Kele. I said some really rude things about Bloc Party and I’m not going to do it again, I’ll get in trouble.
Drinks ordered: Gin and Tonic (medicinal: for the traumatic memory)
Palma Violets - Best Of Friends
Is this the Boomtown Rats? I’ve never really heard them. It’s a bit indie rock. Oh, that’s brilliant. It’d be used in an indie film, wouldn’t it… starring that Joseph Gordon Levitt. I like this!
Savages - Husbands
I quite like this, too. It’s this, or Palma Violets. This is brilliant. The bass only has one string, right?
Taylor Swift - We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together
It’s like Busted, but with a girl singing. That’s a great thing. What are the rest of Busted doing now? Shall I go Kanye on it? “Sorry Taylor, Busted made the best single of all time!”
As we stagger out of the boozer and in to the cold night, it’s clear that there are a few contenders for the Argos Single Of The Year. It could be Savages, it could be Palma Violets. It could be Little Mix or Robbie. But it’s probably gin. Lovely lovely gin.
Taken from the December 2012 / January 2013 issue of DIY, available now. For more details click here.