It's Chriissssstmassss! The Great Big DIY Christmas Gift Guide

Move past the generic gifts, though, and it can get complicated. What on earth is appropriate for a friend who is passionate about art rock and fancy coffee, for instance? What can you possibly buy the hip-hop aficionado in your family when they’ve already received the holy gift of ‘RTJ2’ for free. How about the Paramore fan with the dodgy boiler and the draughty house? The tech-loving Dad who knows all the words to ‘My Humps’?

Back in the day you’d have been dead lucky to find the ideal present for such difficult characters, and they’d usually have to make do with a satsuma or a showergel set. Nowadays, cos of the internet and all that, the problem is the abundance of choice instead. Tackling a few of the tricky gift-buying situations for hypothetical relatives who like everything from Vampire Weekend to will.i.am, we’re proud to present The Great Big DIY Gift Guide. It might well provide a little last minute inspiration, and if it doesn’t, well, at least you’ll have some ideas for Santa come 2015.

From the endless stream of distant relatives passing through the door, to the momentous feat of digestion that occurs after dinner every year, Christmas takes serious stamina. For most these obstacles are challenge enough. For daredevils, though, Bastille have got the ideal present; Bastille’s Bad Blood Limited Edition Hot Sauce. Those 70% Habanero Peppers blow the blankets right off every pig on the plate, and spice up even the most under-flavoured brussel sprout. Besides, if there’s anything that immediately makes you think archetypal festive tradition, it’s wincingly hot chili sauce, right? (El Hunt)

It’s a well known fact that whole new Amazon rainforests could be constructed out of unused January gym membership cards. Whether it’s a Costco box of mince pies or sack-fuls of luxury biscuits you’re trying to burn off, signing up to your local leisure centre always seems like the best idea when you’re deciding on New Year’s resolutions / mullered on mulled wine. Now, there’s a new way to shed any Boxing Day Baggage; EAT LOTS OF PEARS (‘AND SHIT LIKE THAT’). Well, that’s what Rick Ross ordered the people of the world to do in his latest interview with Tim Westwood, who – err – is just a little out of it. It’s like the Zumba for people who say ‘Phat’ instead of ‘Fat’. Of course, it has become a viral sensation due to Rossy’s ridiculous pronunciation of the winter fruit, and the neat #RossFit hashtag. It’s even led to endorsement from USA Pears, so it’s hard to see why you shouldn’t pick up crate-loads of ‘em. Besides, eating pears is a far easier New Years resolution to stick to. (Kyle MacNeill)

Fancy gifting your Nan the festive experience of her life? Forget settling for those Red Letter Day ‘experiences’ - Run The Jewels can sort out something completely spectacular. Meow The Jewels is already in action thanks to a Kickstarter campaign, but a fairly modest $7,500 will stretch to an AAA pass for ten shows with Killer Mike and EL-P, as well as free access to a rider of Grey Goose vodka, deli trays and a tantalising selection of energy bars. Terms and conditions apply; the main dealbreaker being that you’re not allowed to try and freestyle. If you’re stuck for ideas to entertain your family while Her Majesty is rattling on about her latest year of queenly adventures, Run The Jewels have that covered as well. $55,000 will buy you a Killer Mike and El-P performance with a difference, and the lucky recipient can even choose the albums. If one of the best rap duos in the world dressed up in outfits made entirely out of candy - with a family game of contact frisbee thrown in - sounds like the best present ever, the ‘Candygram Package’ could be perfect. It might be a lot of money, but just imagine how pleased Auntie Sue will be when she sees her heroes cover ‘The Chronic’ in full. Priceless. (EH)

Nutmeg, cinnamon, ginger: Christmas is all about spices. How about spicing up your life’ even more and dishing-out the dosh to buy some authentic Spice Girls branded crisps for your favourite 90s kid? Considering cheesy nibbles are always a hit during the festive period, they seem pretty ideal as a before-meal snack; creating a rather fantastic circular gastronomical narrative along with the cheeseboard to end. Unfortunately, the respective packs of Doritos, Monster Munch, Walkers and Quavers are all 16 years out-of-date, but then so are the Spice Girls themselves; and everyone still loves a bit of ‘Wannabe’, #amirite?! (KM)

It might be a matter of this winter being especially nippy, or perhaps it’s thanks to the ensuing popularity of the Harry Potter franchise; either way, flowing robes manufactured out of fleece are booming business. Drake was recently photographed out in a snakeskin onesie, and if it’s good enough for Drake, it’s good enough for anyone. One Direction have been onto the lucrative ‘snuggie’ market for quite some time (a blanket with sleeves, fyi) but the small size selection and the lack of underground credential attached to the world’s biggest boyband might prove a bit limiting. Thank goodness that there are more options out there. Babies have the cream of the onesie crop, being honest, with everyone from Beyonce to James Blake fans getting in on the romper suit market. For fully grown adult children Weezer’s own take on the snuggie is fairly chic and minimal as giant fleece bibs go, though it’s unclear whether phoning the number on their advert actually works. (EH)

And, if ‘Last Christms’ by Wham! is a song that especially resonates, this particular fleece offering might just be the perfect gift. Better hurry up though - LESS THAN TEN LEFT PEOPLE. That’s right - Paramore have crafted a rather fetching broken-heart motif onesie that’s perfect for accompanying roaring fires and steaming mugs of hot cocoa at Xmas – and they’ve nearly all been slapped-up by pop-punk fans with particularly poor circulation. Technically, it was actually designed to be for Valentine’s Day, so this might make a perfect gift for a loved one who insists on Hayley Williams being a third wheel in the relationship. If only this had been publicised better before the frostbite-inducing Friday night of Reading when they headlined; might have prevented the spontaneous Dominos Pizza Box fires and awkward spooning with people you don’t really know. (KM)

Imagine a Christmas with Vampire Weekend’s own Ezra Koenig angelically atop your tree, or decorating the wreath that welcomes each visitor into the house. Perhaps you secretly dream of finding a glittery Ezra Koenig pin badge inside your cracker, or long to sip on Horchata next to a tree decorated with shining ornaments that bear his face? Thanks to some very creative Americans on Etsy, this dream can be a sweet reality. The gift that just keeps on giving, he could wish everyone a New Dorp, New Year, too. It is also useful to bear in mind that someone somewhere in the world always has enough time on their hands to make their commemorative presents, no matter how niche. If you’re after a stocking filler for the George Ezra fans in your life, this bracelet should do the trick. Etsy has it covered for pretty much everything, actually, from Mac DeMarco badges and FKA Twigs nail transfers to this incredibly seasonal Kimye and North West Prayer Candle Set. (EH)

At the moment St Vincent isn’t planning on making an alternative album dedicated to coffee, the greatest caffeinated drink in the world. ‘Strange Latte’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it, and “I’ve had good cups, with some bad grinds” is a bit of a dodgy lyrical opening anyway. Annie Clark still loves coffee, though - so much so that she’s made her own special blend, Bring Me Your Mugs. Apparently Annie’s a fan of citrusy coffee, so she’s opted for a Costa Rican Flecha Roja bean blend. According to people who spend a great deal of time smelling beans and writing about this sort of thing, St Vincent’s coffee is bold and complex with notes of orange marmalade, brown sugar, and lime zest. In the event that your giftee doesn’t like coffee, Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan is on hand. He’s curated his own range of teas, available to snap up from his Chicago tea shop Madam ZuZus. He sells lots of exciting sounding things like Zuzu’s Lemon Berry Meritage and Puffed Quinoa dark chocolate as well. Smashing. (EH)

Christmas: ‘tis the season to be ceaselessly morose, right? Sure, everyone loves a bit of festive cheer and all that, but there’ll always be at least one scrooge in the family who goes around mumbling ‘bah humbug’ like a sheep that loves peppermint confectionery. Cue grabbing your recycled eco-friendly wrapping paper and handing the Ebenezer in question this rather fetching/soul-destroying Morrissey jumper. Depicting a dangerously large image of Mozza’s mush, it’s 100% vegan-friendly material; ant its kill-animals-and-I’ll-kill-you-in-your-sleep aura is bloody scary enough to turn a butcher into a quinoa farmer. At a whopping £44.99, however, you may ‘just not have earned it yet baby’; plus the giftee may become even more ostracised from the festive hegemony of the family. Plus, rather tragically, it’s sold out at the moment (heaven knows I’m miserable now, eh?). The fantastic news is that you can nab a ‘Be Kind to Animals Or I’ll Kill You’ sweater instead from Morrissey’s official online store (KM)

Although scientists and time-travellers are still trying to determine the exact year, it’s pretty clear to everyone that Will.I.Am lives in the future. From the robotic electronic music of the Black Eyed Peas, to the fact that his freakin’ website URL is www.will.i.am, he is way ahead of his time in a tonne of ways. Add to this the fact that he has helped develop a new 3D printer. It’s all rather boggling, but somehow turns plastic soda bottles into printer filament which then makes stuff – like, stuff that is actually real. The Ekocycle printer has also been invested in by Coca-Cola, who frankly have the best Christmas advert around; thus making this quite the festive treat. It’s especially apt for tech-geeks who get through their fair share of Cokes and are worth spending over a $1K on (possibly not a stocking filler). (KM)

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