News A Date With… Slow Club

Dating is a daunting prospect at the best of times, but first dates are the absolute worst - the early onset of anxiety and nauseousness which leads one to pretend they like Pedro Almodovar films just for sheer use of making conversation. Imagine then, if you will, how frightening blind dates must be. The pre-empting by others that you will “get on so well” can only evoke dangerous levels of expectancy to be charming, witty and to have come equipped with a repertoire of at least five anecdotes that you must henceforth manage under a rotation system.

Worse yet, imagine the other person in question to actually be a band who you know all the songs of, even off their bloomin’ Christmas EP! So here I find myself taking Sheffield duo Slow Club bowling. This is what my life has become. Oh the woes of a music journo. Put the beer on expenses, will ya? So I can sob into it.

“I’ve decided to grow my hair long for the first time,” Charles tells me as Rebecca takes off her denim jacket to reveal an American flag crop-top, something very “in” this season, leading me to add ‘fashion’ to my mental list of potential conversation topics to spark with her. “To about George Harrison length, I was thinking,” he continues. I miss the opportunity to tell him it looks nice, a classic first date rookie error on my part. “So that’s why I’m wearing a hat indoors.” I’ll be damned if I make the same mistake twice and tell Charles it’s a nice cap regardless.

Rebecca steps forward for her first bowl but before she does, turns and begins to ask me a series of first-date questions. “What’s your favourite food?,” “Which is your favourite soap?,” “Cats or dogs?” Suddenly the tables are reversed. The security barriers have well and truly been broken down and now I’m on stage being asked to sing. I hesitate and she manages to bowl a strike while I’m still stammering and stuttering. “Erm, Hollyoaks,” I begin. “But ironically, of course,” I justify myself in reply to her silent but judging stare. “Probably cats too and I can’t remember the third question.” “Cats?” she replies. “Really?”

I can tell already that it’s not going to work out so I shift my focus to Charles. After Rebecca’s impressive start, she slowly dwindles down the leader board. It’s now between Charles and I - each good bowl by one is met by the other with a slightly aggressive, slightly affectionate barrage of cursing. It’s like we’re childhood friends that secretly hate each other. I win the first round, Charles takes the second one. But truth be told, if you must know, I was just being a good date and let him win that one - honest! And even if I didn’t, you can’t prove otherwise - I am the one with the pen here, remember.

After our hourly slot, we sit down, get a bit meta and have a chat about the band’s first dates.

Do you remember actual first ever date?

Rebecca: My first date was at a Wheatus concert actually. The boy in question doused himself with loads of cologne and it made me feel a bit queasy. Even to this day, if I smell that particular scent I start to feel a bit nauseous. Surprisingly we did go out with each other after that, I used to write with gel pens how long it was until I saw him next.

Charles: I actually went to see Bowling For Soup with a girl too. So there seems to be a pattern of pop-punk/nu-metal bands.

Have you ever been on a blind date before?

Charles: I’ve never been on a blind date before. So this is the first!

Rebecca: I don’t think I’d go on one actually. I have enough on with the queue I already got (laughs). I think I get myself on trouble dating because I’ll just constantly be nattering on and they end up thinking “Oh God, I don’t want to see her again”.

My friend went speed life-drawing recently, which is as it sounds - speed dating mixed with drawing each other nude. What do you think of this?

Rebecca: I think it sounds great!

Charles: Are you expecting to go on a date after? So you’re seeing what’s on offer and then take your picks of the best? What if you have no interest in the other, do you just agree to draw a swiggle and not speak to each other for the next five minutes?

Chocolates or roses?

Rebecca: I don’t think I’ve ever received either actually. Boys have it so hard really, because if you do bring something more often than not the girl will think it’s cheesy, but if you don’t then she could have been expected something.

Beer or wine with a meal?

Rebecca: Wine. But I have a problem with eating in front of other people. There’s been so many times I’ve had to pretend I’m vegetarian to get out of those situations.

Charles: She thinks it looks sexy to be vegetarian. I’d love to see a girl tuck into a big meaty steak though. I’d be like “Ahh, let’s skip dessert!”

If you went on ‘Take Me Out’, what would your entrance music be?

Rebecca: Great question! I love ‘Take Me Out’.

Charles: I know mine - ‘Smooth’ by Santana definitely.

What’s your weirdest celebrity crush?

Rebecca: I kind of like weirdos anyway, so anyone I say now is going to be truly offended. Probably Alan Davies.

Charles: Mine are between Mariella Frostrup, Amanda Redman and Helen Mirren. I’d have them all, I mean - I’d take them all for a milkshake.

Where would you recommend I take someone on a date?

Rebecca: I say somewhere rubbish, so you’re making fun of how rubbish it is.

Charles: Take a girl to Argos, you can thumb your way through the laminated book of dreams.

Rebecca: Just get drunk, I say. That’s the only advice I’d give to anyone about anything in the world.

As we depart, Charles and I clearly seem intent on pointing our feet in different directions. It’s not until he finally says “You should come to our show next week” that I know I’ve done enough to secure a second date. Now it’s just Rebecca to win over. On the tube back, we chit-chat and I envision our future together, an idyllic schoolboy daydream - but rather than carrying the girl’s books it will be ever-so-slightly-heavier guitars and amps instead. But suddenly the train halts and I realise it’s time for us to disembark and part ways. I go home alone; to write these very words.

Taken from the March 2012 issue of DIY, available now. For more details click here.