Festivals How to survive Glastonbury if you’re not actually going to Glastonbury
Take our hands. We’re here for you.
Like many other people, you may not be going to Glastonbury this weekend. Should you be sad about it? No. Should you spend your days shooting evils at your festival-bound colleagues, involuntarily shuddering with every mention of the trigger words ‘Worthy’, ‘Eavis’ and maybe, accidentally, ‘Werther’s Original’, because it sounds a bit like Worthy? Of course not. Should you wish that you’d maybe spent a casual half hour Googling how you might be able to cause a tiny injury to somebody, not like, anything life threatening or particularly serious, but just something that might leave them unable to get on a train/coach for a day or two, maybe three just to be on the safe side, and then maybe they’d be forced to give their ticket up to a less injured party? Oh ho ho, don’t be silly, you. That would just be crazy talk.
However, here at DIY HQ we understand that it can be difficult being stuck at home while your pals go gallivanting around the musical playground that is Glastonbury 2k17. So, in order to see you through the next 96 hours of relentless reminders that you’re not having as much fun as some other people, here is DIY’s handy guide to having the best Glastonbury weekend ever, from the comfort of your home.
Replace all mentions of ‘Glastonbury’ with pictures of Ragin’ Binman
A few months back, in a move that showed the internet at its finest, an app was created that replaced all mentions of Ragin’ Binman with his real name, Raging Binman. It was great. Utilise this technology for your own gain. Every time the word ‘Glastonbury’ should pop up on your feed, you’ll instead be greeted with the beardy mug of the nation’s favourite rubbish collector, and eventually you won’t even want to be anywhere near the real festival site and/ or social media until it’s over. That, friends, is psychology.
Have a shower with all your clothes on every few hours
If you’re still intent on living that authentic Glasto truth, however, then that is also doable. Put on a nice, brightly-coloured outfit that screams “I’M HAVING FUN, CAN’T YOU TELL”, climb in the shower and wait until you’re fully soaked. Have a little lie down in the garden to dry off. Then, just as you’re starting to feel a bit less damp, get back in the shower again. Repeat ad infinitum.
Build your own version of the Stone Circle, but with a lovely crate of cold ones
The Stone Circle’s cool, innit. Go up there with your pals once the rest of the stages have shut and try and buy a balloon off a white guy with dreads named Quentin. Nice. Fun. Spiritual. But the thing with the actual Stone Circle is the inevitable realisation that you’re very, very far away from your tent and you’ve only got one lukewarm cider between you. Not fun.
Make this reality infinitely better from the comfort of your house with a fridge, a crate of your favourite beverage and a bit of floor space. All you need to do is sit down on said floor and balance your cans in the appropriate formation at equally spaced intervals around you, thus creating your own Tin(ny) Circle. Nailed it.
Find a ginger man and make him play songs that you don’t really like
Maybe stick on a couple of snippets of Skepta in between tracks just to really complete the experience. If your mum’s around, then ask her to cluck approvingly every third song.
Withdraw £238 from your bank account, and just roll around in it for a while
Glastonbury tickets are expensive, and that’s before you factor in travel, tents, one meal a day and enough beers to sink a ship. With the £200-odd quid you’ve saved from ticket price alone, you can Make. It. Rain. Take the advice of ‘Parks and Recreation’ and treat yo’self. Get an Uber to the corner shop and back again, just to buy some milk. Give a homeless man £50 and feel your heart burst with the warm and fuzzies. Get a really fucking nice lunch. Do want you want, ‘cos you are money up son.
Maybe just do something else?
There’s probably quite a lot of other things to do in the entire world this weekend, so go live life. Live it well. And, if nothing else, just get a ticket to one of the summer’s many and varied other events to ease the pain. There are plenty in our Festival Guide, if you’re stuck. Don’t say we never give you anything.
Glastonbury Festival, as you well know, takes place this weekend. Keep checking DIY for coverage of all the best bits – we promise we won’t rub it in.
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