News Record Store Day 2014: My Fantasy Record Shop

Record Store Day tends to have its standout images, like a queue-stricken Rough Trade East in London or the sight of a stuffy, excitable Brooklyn dig.

It’s easy to forget that limited vinyl can be picked up in countless places on the day - too few places, arguably, but the opportunity’s still there for special editions to find unlikely homes. What if bands had their way, though, and record stores could prop up pretty much anywhere? What if they had ridiculous names and stocked completely trivial things?

Frankie and the Heartstrings paved the way in this regard, opening Pop Recs Ltd. last year in Sunderland. Following their example, we asked some of our favourite bands about imaginary record shops. Here’s what they’d look like…

THE MEN


Name: Tastee Platters
What’s inside: All used records. A place where you could find original copies of Cracked Actor ‘Nazi School’ and Stan Hubbs ‘Crystal’ in the dollar bin.
Album we’d play inside the store: Longmont Potion Castle, ‘Vol 6’
First band we’d get to play an instore and why: The Banana Splits because it would be cool to watch a dog play the guitar.
Additional items we’d sell: Some local hesher’s t-shirt collection, paint chips from Jim Morrison’s house, VHS versions of cinematic classics such as ‘Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot’, and way too many cassette tapes.

PINS

Name: SPIN (PINS anagram!)
What’s inside: A singles jukebox full of 45’s, a Gramophone that can play old Shellac records, a coloured vinyl section, a cassette tape section and a vintage Tetris arcade game.
Album we’d play inside the store: ‘Unknown Pleasures’
First band we’d get to play an instore and why: Patti Smith ‘cos we think she would dig it.
Additional item we’d sell: Frozen marg machine, vintage American guitars, Elivis memorabilia and one of those Voice-O-Graph recording booths that Jack White has.

Wolf Alice


Name: Wo Wo Records.
Album we’d play inside the store: It wouldn’t sell anything but records that I like. This would basically be anything by Dennis Wilson, Rocket from The Crypt, Captain Beefheart, The Replacements, Fugazi, The Brian Jonestown Massacre, Glen Campbell and that new War on Drugs album everyone keeps banging on about
First band we’d get to play an instore and why: Our only instore would be performed by White Demin, as I once saw them at Rough Trade East and was so mindblown that it seems pretty pointless anyone else having a go at it.
Additional item we’d sell: We would also sell minidisc players, but no minidiscs. We would not accept returns either.

AQUILO

Name: Silverdale Records
What’s inside: Lots of records.
Album we’d play inside the store: Steely Dan - ‘Aja’
First band we’d get to play an instore and why: Rhye - we both caught them at Latitude last year fancy a bit more.
Additional item we’d sell: Burgers and real ale.

HALEY BONAR

Name: Mama Bon Bon’s
What’s inside: Records, candy, music video making machine, film photo booth, dancefloor.
Album we’d play inside the store: The Crystal’s ‘He’s A Rebel’.
First band we’d get to play an instore and why: Gramma’s Boyfriend… because there would be dancing!
Additional item we’d sell: Good coffee would be nice - and single cigarettes.

BROLIN


Name: Megastomo Records.
What’s inside: A stage. Chesterfield sofas. An indoor dog run so owners have somewhere safe to leave their pet whilst in store. A classroom. A big screen for films to be shown. A squash court.
Album we’d play inside the store: Cloud Nothings - ‘Here and Nowhere Else’
First band we’d get to play an instore and why: Again - Cloud Nothings. Because we’ve been hawking their new record to oblivion.
Additional item we’d sell: Dog training sessions, quality dry dog food, dog toys and accessories, squash lessons, guitar lessons, music production lessons.

GOD DAMN

Name: Hear Wax.
What’s inside: Aside from the obvious old and new records, maybe a little vintage section, pawn shop guitars and a second hand guitar/amp/pedal section. Some nice old drums kits and listening booths too.
Album we’d play inside the store: My Bloody Valentine, ‘Loveless’
First band we’d get to play an instore and why: I’d get The Monotonix back together a nice baptism of fire there… although I wouldn’t fancy the clean-up job after.
Additional items we’d sell: Egg custards, it’s one of the few things myself and Ashley bond over.

ELEPHANT


Name: Past Lover & Future Brothers (Records Ltd)
What’s inside: Old leather Sofas, headphones, African incense, cocktail bar. Somewhere ‘out’ where you are allowed to be anti-sociable that isn’t Transport for London. The only place you can really get lost in music is one’s bed, the park or if you are alone in your apartment. There must be a roof terrace too, for summer, covered in foliage and greenery.
Album we’d play inside the store: Anything, it must tailor to everyone’s tastes, especially in the internet age. If we didn’t offer everything, customers would just smuggle their own records in anyway. I picture it like the renovation of Argos, but avoiding the gross clinical interiors. One would select the album, pop on headphones and relax into a huge Chesterfield leather sofa, with a drink of choice. Possible cocktails with mild sedative qualities. If we did choose to have an album playing before you take seat, it would be ‘Noah’s Ark’ (CocoRosie).
First band we’d get to play an instore and why: I would get Mùm to perform the entirety of ‘Summer Make Good’. That’s the biggest adventure in other-worldly music I’ve ever experienced. It feels like getting lost in a rich book. I have a sneaky feeling a member left the band around that time so might be tricky, but we’d have Beyonce on the backburner.
Additional item we’d sell: Time. We discovered this new Turkish cafe in East London that charges by time, not by drinks or food. It’s a great experience, especially if the cat is about. Maybe we could have cats too, they certainly would add to the chill-out setting. So we’d charge £10 an album listen, with a cocktail or drink of choice.

LUST FOR YOUTH

Name: Europa Knows
What’s inside: Mirrors
Album we’d play inside the store: Our own
First band we’d get to play an instore and why: Style Council
Additional item we’d sell: Condoms

Kiran Leonard

Name: Jorgy Borgy’s Sonic Bargains
What’s inside: An infinite/not yet defined maze of hexagonal rooms stocking every possible permutation of sounds you could get on a 33rpm LP, where no two records have ever been found to be the same. All rooms will be open to the public, and every record will come with a free download code.
Album we’d play inside the store: Nothing. The sound of an indeterminate number of records rotating and lost, mad crate diggers weeping in the distance.
First band we’d get to play an instore and why: Infinity Window. I guess they’d be suitable for a number of reasons; there’s their name and style, but also it gives a lesser known infinity-related band the opportunity to promote their record, stocked no doubt somewhere in the shop. But there’s also Taku Sugimoto, who makes less noise than any musical performer I’ve ever come across. Honestly we probably wouldn’t have them very often.
Additional item we’d sell: Camping equipment.

OLIVER WILDE


Name: Wow & Flutter Records
What’s inside: Dusty, cobwebbed with 40’s decor. gramophones and transisters, old leather sofas, stuffed/taxidermy giraffe. Crystal chandelier…
Album we’d play inside the store: Billie Holiday - Gloomy Sunday
First band we’d get to play an instore and why: We would summon the ghost of Mark Linkous and Sparklehorse, the setting would be perfect. He would be supplied with hurdy gurdy and a selection of exotic teas.
Additional item we’d sell: Ceramic Sea Gods (various sizes) and crocheted Hawaiian cardigans. Made locally, naturally…

Tags: The Men, Features

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