It’s Chriissssstmassss! Santa’s Naughty and Nice List
He’s been totting up the coal-counts - here’s Father Christmas’ verdict on this year’s batch of musical antics.
It’s not just the kids Santa keeps a close eye on each year. Since getting his new wireless broadband installed and creating his own Twitter account (#YULEO), Father Christmas has been doing some serious research into the actions of all your favourite bands and artists, judging each one accordingly. For the most part, he’s pretty happy with the results, having his elves work overtime to produce candy canes and chocolate coins galore for the acts who’ve done themselves proud in 2014. However, there are a few who he feels have overstepped the Naughty mark and need to be taught a serious lesson in good behavior this Christmas. What better way to do so than with a few big lumps of coal in their stockings in place of some sweet treats?
Now, Santa’s a fair guy. He’s been doing this job for a pretty long time, so he’s a bit of an expert when it comes to judging others based solely on their actions that year. That being said, it’s a little known fact that he’s also a bit of an indie muso (give him some Hookworms over jingle bells any day). So, with this in mind, expect a smidgen of bias here and there in the list below, as well as a sleigh full of festive puns.
From verbal diarrhea to saving the day, to petty hat theft and sound failures, DIY takes a sneaky flick through Santa’s secret notebook (which he just so happened to leave behind at a Mac DeMarco gig in London the other week) to discover who will be getting coal or candy in their stocking this Christmas and what they’ve done to deserve it…
Deep-pan, crisp and even
There are few sweeter combinations than music and pizza, especially when they’re both free. This is why Peace’s decision to provide free pizza for chilly fans waiting outside their free gigs at London’s Scotch of St James back in May deserves to be recognised and rewarded as an act of sheer benevolence. After all, if you insist on playing two free gigs in a row, the least you can do is offer to feed your fans in between. Did the pizza ever arrive? Who knows? But if they promised a Papa John’s, that’s good enough for Papa Noel.
Official Santa Rating: This one’s a piece of cake. 2 candy canes for Peace’s display of goodwill.
Bring me your hats, all your hats
As a fellow Saint, Santa was particularly outraged by Annie Clark’s behaviour at this year’s Austin City Limits. During an admittedly sterling performance, Clark stole various items of clothing from her own fans, as well as breaking health and safety rules by climbing scaffolding in dangerously high heels and making innocent, hard-working security guards dance against their will. This is not Clark’s first offence of the year. Back in June at Glastonbury, she subjected her audience to an affectionately intentioned, but unprovoked verbal attack, calling them ‘motherfuckers’. Lucky for her, Santa has actually come to enjoy Annie’s quirky onstage antics so has decided to let her off lightly this year.
Official Santa Rating: Usually such japes would deserve one lump of coal. Annie did always at least try to give the hats back, though - plus she made DIY’s album of the year. On balance, 1 sugar mouse.
Tryin’ to throw your arms around the world
What is it with the world today? You share your new music for free with half a billion people and they act like you’ve just killed their kitten. Despite their good intentions, Bono and co’s partnership with iTunes in the ‘Songs of Innocence’ giveaway back in September came off as nothing more than a desperate plea for attention from a once great band. “There’s a lot of noise out there,” went the frontman’s half-hearted apology, “I guess we got a little noisy ourselves to get through it.” Luckily Apple released this handy guide to save your poor, violated iPods.
Official Santa Rating: Two big lumps of coal for you, Bono and associates.
Misery business? Not on Paramore’s watch.
Headlining Reading was set to be one of the highlights of the American punk rock trio’s career. And it was, to some degree, but not for reasons they were expecting. After the entire PA cut out for a second time, Hayley Williams and co. decided the show must go on and huddled together on the edge of the enormous Main Stage for an impromptu a-capella rendition of ‘The Only Exception’. Of course, Santa also recognises Reading and Leeds organiser and all-round good guy Melvin Benn for his efforts in keeping Williams warm, first by sending out a jacket, and then by making a quick appearance at the end to double check on proceedings.
Official Santa Rating: 4 candy canes for Paramore, and 5 for you, Melvin Benn! You go, Melvin Benn!
Whatever people say about tax, that’s what I won’t pay
During the early days of their journey to indie superstardom, Arctic Monkeys quickly became poster boys for the everyday man, working his fingers to the bone during the week and scraping together the pennies for a few pints down the pub at the weekend. Now, however, it’s all quiffs and riffs, and swanky London and LA cribs have replaced humble Sheffield suburbs. Greed, perhaps accidentally, has become second nature. When it comes to tax avoidance schemes, Jolly Old Saint Nick expects this sneaky behaviour from the likes of Gary Barlow, sure. Alex Turner and co? That’s a little harder to take.
Official Santa Rating: 5 lumps of coal for taking a mecca dauber to the tax books, and an extra lump for those “invoice me for the microphone” antics at the Brits. 6 big lumps of coal.
I saw Ariel dissing Santa Claus
He’s been dubbed indie pop’s answer to Robin Thicke and, despite claiming, “I just want people to love me,” Ariel Pink remains the “Most Hated Man” in indie. From calling Grimes “stupid and retarded”, after she called out his misogyny against Madonna, to throwaway comments such as, “It’s not illegal to be racist” and “I love necrophiliac’s,” it’s plain to see why the LA musician may have rubbed a few folks up the wrong way this year. “I wanna be able to say anything I want without being held accountable for it,” he told DIY last month. Not on Santa’s watch, Ariel.
Official Santa Rating: 4 lumps of coal for this troll, and a bar of soap to wash out that filthy mouth.
Lily Allen shows something good can work
It’s July 18th, and the fresh-faced, bright-eyed Latitude audience eagerly await the arrival of tonight’s headliners, Irish indie pop outfit Two Door Cinema Club. But what’s that? Frontman Alex Trimble is ill and the band have had to cancel? Never fear, Lily Allen is here! Allen stepped in last minute to deliver the goods, even sporting a TDCC t-shirt onstage to show her support for the absent band. Sadly her somewhat heroic actions were vilified by a select few keyboard warriors, but if it hadn’t been for Lily, we all would’ve been sent home or, worse still, we would’ve had to watch some other act who didn’t quite kill it like she did. Whether they liked it or not, her surprise ‘greatest hits’ set that night reminded a lot of people just how much music the alt-pop princess has given us over the years. For this, we thank her.
Official Santa Rating: Alex Trimble got ill, Lily Allen stepped in, I believe that is called al rescue. A bag of chocolate coins for you, Lily.
Silent night? No thanks
Quick common sense lesson: If you decide to move to an area within close proximity of a music venue, you should, by default, fully accept the potential for amplified noise levels. Sadly the reality is very different, with numerous well-established UK music venues such as Manchester’s Night & Day and Brighton’s The Blind Tiger Club facing noise complaints and abatement notices and, in some cases, being forced to close their doors for good. Many music industry bodies are urging the government to adopt the Agent of Change principle but, in the meantime, many of the UK’s most-loved music establishments are continually under threat.
Official Santa Rating: Given that he only really works full pelt on Christmas Eve, St. Nick has a lot of time for live music in the meantime. He especially loves independent venues, so 3 lumps of coal for any Christmas grinches trying to get them shut down.
All I want for Christmas…is Sleater-Kinney
After announcing their indefinite hiatus in 2006, no one was sure when - or if - we would hear from Sleater-Kinney again. Since then, Carrie, Corin and Janet have provided us with some great music through various other projects (Wild Flag, anyone?) but nothing quite possessed the same raw energy of records like ‘Call The Doctor’, ‘Dig Me Out’ and ‘All Hands On The Bad One’. It’s now almost a decade on from the release of their last album, and the trio are back, with new songs and tour dates scheduled for next year. Like many, Santa can’t wait to see the riot grrrls back in action.
Official Santa Rating: Exhume your idols, Sleater-Kinney are back! 5 candy canes. (PS. ‘No Cities To Love’ might not be out til after Christmas, but Father Christmas would like a copy, please.)
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