Features The Beautiful Game: Paul Carlin, Dananananaykroyd - Celtic FC

If you’re anything like DIY, you’ll have spent last week finely tuning your Fantasy Football team ready for the new season. Now, with all the major English and Scottish leagues underway, it’s time to take a balanced look at just what’s in store. We’ve asked a bunch of bands, artists and music industry types to let us know exactly what they expect from their team in 2011/2012. Anyone for a Bovril?

If there’s one thing we’ll always have to thank Paul Carlin of Dananananaykroyd for, it’s the revelation the SFA is run by grand Czar Hamish McUnderpants.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Scottish Premier League, here are some things you need to know before I begin:

1) Hamish McUnderpants, the Czar of the SFA decided that this season would start virtually as soon as the last one finished so we are already a good few games into our season.

2) The SPL has ten teams: Celtic (yay), Rangers (boo) and some other ones. Hearts sometimes win things. Dundee United have a few decent players and Motherwell can turn up when they feel like it. Aberdeen and Hibernian are in freefall but won’t be relegated as there will always be an Inverness Caley Thistle or Dunfermline there to act as whipping boys.

3) Rangers have won the SPL for the last three consecutive years. This troubles me somewhat, especially considering how absolutely pants their team is (save the talented Nikica Jelavic and Scotland goalie Allan McGregor.) They do, however, have enormous team spirit, something Celtic have had lacked in recent years.

Celtic begin the 2011-12 season with an already strong squad, reeling from last year’s fall at the final hurdle. Team spirit and results under manager Neil Lennon have improved dramatically. For the first time in years, it feels like the players are really playing for the gaffer AND the fans.

I am optimistic about this season. We have a lot of good players and a point to prove. Our attack is strong and can score a lot of goals. Anthony Stokes, an occasional troublemaker but a VERY talented lad, has started this season very brightly. Gary Hooper is perhaps the best striker we’ve had at the club since the Larsson/Sutton/Hartson days. Georgios Samaras is an absolute enigma but on his day is mesmerising.

Our midfield is easily the strongest in the league. Club captain Scott Brown improved ten-fold last season and is turning into a good leader. Ki Sung-Yueng could be about to have the season of his life. He’s the best natural passer we have and has a wicked shot. Expect to see him in the English Premier League in a year or two. Beram Kayal is a hard tackling, sensible head in the middle of the park and a massive fan favourite. On the wings, James Forrest is going to be a star. Kris Commons was incredible last season and the enigmatic Paddy McCourt only scores logic-defying goals.

I’d like to see tough centre half come in to partner the already impressive Kelvin Wilson. We’ve lost last year’s Player of the Season, Emilio Izaguirre, for the next six months so left back could be a worry. In Charlie Mulgrew, however, Celtic have a very able and hard-working utility man with a cracking left peg. As I write this, Celtic are in talks with Tomasz Kuszczak (who I believe would do well in the SPL) after missing out on about 400 other goalies.

In conclusion, Celtic MUST win the SPL this season. The team is more than capable and the fans are demanding the thunder back. Our main rivals are too weak and have a cartoon character (Ally McCoist) as their new manager. Without wanting to get carried away, the league should be sewn up by April, unless we suffer the Inverness Caley Thistle bogey team curse again. Add to that a good run in the Europa League and this season could be a huge turning point for the club.

Also, I couldn’t bear another summer of ribbing from my Rangers-supporting pals so get it smelt, Bhoys.