It’s Chriissssstmassss! The Perfect Christmas Charity Single

Producers: Kanye West, Phil Spector (from jail), Brian Epstein and Hudson.

Kate Bush: the notoriously shy Kate Bush should be one of the first names on this list. Having wowed audiences with comeback shows, Bush seems to have come out of her shell in recent times, and her voice would be the perfect draw for such a serious song.

Sample line: “there’s rubbish on the telly, and Grandad is racist”

Ghostface Killah: Why not? Ghostface has one of the loudest and rawest flows in hip-hop, with a catalogue of brilliant verses, ranging from his phenomenal introductory bars on Wu-Tang’s ‘Bring The Ruckus’ to later, more braggadocio cuts like ‘Be Easy’. He’d be perfect foil for Kate Bush, intertwining lines about Shrek always being on around Christmas with the general tedium of Boxing Day.

Sample line: you can’t write anything for Ghostface, he can say anything he wants.

Dirty Projectors: Lyrically and musically, Dirty Projectors boast incredible talent in their ranks, but for this one, I’d just bring them in for harmonies. Preferably it’d be the classic line-up of Longstreth, Coffman and Deradoorian (a la ‘Bitte Orca’) to provide a soothing choral backdrop.

Sample line: “ooh”

The Snare Drum from St. Anger by Metallica: Because of reasons. Not Lars Ulrich, just the snare he used on their much-derided comeback album ‘St. Anger’. It wouldn’t ruin the song to give the snare five seconds or so by itself.

Sample line: “boing”

Kerry King and Tom Araya (Slayer): continuing the metal theme, we’d have to have a solo that doesn’t quite work but also completely does, which is the specialty of Slayer axe-wielder Kerry King. Tom Araya would come in with lyrics about death, or something, just to remind everyone that this is actually a very serious song with “themes” and “an aim”.

Sample line: “What if the quiche devours us all, cutting flesh, tearing limb from limb”

Wiley: a true charity single encompasses as many genres as possible, which is why the last Band Aid featured both The Darkness and Dizzee Rascal, who single-handedly saved the world for a bit. This is where HudMo might shine, providing a 16-bar for Wiley to tell us how he’s the King of Grime. Funnily enough, quiche has featured in Wiley’s lyrical canon before.

Sample line: “Not a vegetarian but I do like quiche” (reprised)

Twin Atlantic: for the emotional teenagers, here come Scotland’s finest – it’s Twin Atlantic! As mentioned, it’s important to cater for everyone, and in this case it’s the crowd who actually liked the last couple of Biffy Clyro albums.

Sample line: “At Christmas, open uhp you-wer harr-t ‘n you-wer so-wull”

Robin Thicke: everyone criticises Robin Thicke, and quite rightly.

Sample line: “What rhymes with gravy?”

Shania Twain: okay, maybe this is a bit of a hit to the incredible street-cred of this line-up so far, but Shania Twain has pipes. Her album ‘Come On Over’ may have just been slated by the NME, but she knows her way around a hook. If Shania Twain had never existed, would Taylor Swift? Yes, probably, but still.

Sample line: I dunno, something nice.

Kanye West: While his record with big charity events is somewhat murky (ask Mike Myers’ screaming eyes), Yeezy is a giver. His DONDA foundation is noteworthy, and when it comes to political and social themes, Kanye doesn’t hold back. Also, as one of the producers on this track, he needs at least an 8-bar. This song is going to be really long, you guys.

Sample line: something really profound, but then a really clumsy double entendre.

Lil Jon: At this point, the song needs to get TURNT. Who better to do that than Crunk hero Lil Jon? While some people make fun of his limited lyrical contributions and his raspy vocal, I’m not one of those people. Lil Jon’s contribution will be hype, but also meaningful.

Sample line: “YEAH!” or “OKAAAY!”

Bono: this is an opportunity for repentance. Sure, Bono’s done a lot for charity, with his ONE campaign (they even had condoms, as if anyone’s ever had sex listening to U2), and he’s met the Pope and everything, which is fine. However, his line in the Band Aid song, until this year, was “well tonight thank God it’s them, instead of you”. As an act of forgiveness, we’re going to force Bono into looking rather uncomfortable. It’s my single, alright?

Sample line: “U2 unofficially relocated to the Netherlands to avoid paying as much tax as they would in the UK or the Republic of Ireland, where our core audience lives.”

Florence Welch: there’s always got to be at least one polarising figure in a big Christmas charity single. One that makes you think “oh, are they still around?” or “ugh”. Florence Welch, then, can warble incoherently to remind us all of suffering.

Sample line: Your guess is as good as mine.

Scooter: remember Scooter? They combined German techno with English language to fuse the ultimate sound in whatever genre means “being in your friend’s friend’s car at 16, gripping on to the door in sheer terror, wondering if going bowling was really worth risking your life”. This would be something for the kind of guys in their 30s that took too much acid and stare down the bar at you with a burning intensity, like a shell-shock victim who dresses in TapOut shirts.

Sample lyric: “YEAH LET’S GO, QUICHE”

FIDLAR: trying to claw back some cool, snotty Californian punk-factor, FIDLAR would surely earn some respectability points. With a name that means Fuck It Dog, Life’s a Risk, this acerbic four-piece could do something about getting fucked up and ignoring your Gran’s questionable comments on immigration.

Clarence Carter: with every fibre of my being, I will try to remind people of Clarence Carter. For the uninitiated, Carter was a respected blues musician who was married to Candi Staton. After becoming somewhat irrelevant in the late 70s and 80s as disco came into fashion, Clarence made a comeback with possibly the funniest song ever released, ‘Strokin’’. Lyrics include: “and then the police shined their light on me and I said ‘I’m Strokin!’”, “I stroke it to the east, I stroke it to the west, I stroke it to the woman that I love the best!” and last, but not least: “she starts callin’ my name, she says ‘Clarence Carter, Clarence Carter, Clarence Carter, ohhhh shit, Clarence Carter’”. His contribution would be too valuable to miss, and it wouldn’t make sense for him not be here.

Sample line: “Whenever I eat egg based meals, I think about makin’ love”

Willie Nelson & Snoop Dogg: while these two men could have been picked separately, it’s worth remembering that these two collaborated MORE THAN ONCE. It was their beautiful, almost telepathic understanding on ‘Roll Me Up’, where they determine their wish to be consumed as a narcotic upon shuffling off their respective mortal coils that makes me think they could work together beautifully on a song with a real message.

Sample line: It could really go anywhere with these two. It’s better to let them do the work.

Agoraphobic Nosebleed: there hasn’t been anyone from the world of grindcore on this record as yet, and the Locust might scare children with their costumes, so I’ve plumped for Massachusetts’ Agoraphobic Nosebleed, who once released a song called ‘Merry Christmeth’. So, y’know. They get it.

Sample line: It’s not like you’ll be able to hear it anyway.

The Dixie Chicks: The Dixie Chicks HATE America (legal ed: explain yourself). Well, they don’t, but they hate war and they hate George W. Bush, and went as far as to say so, on stage. They’re a country act. It was career suicide. It’s like going to a Peace show and saying you hate Topshop or ketamin. For their politics alone, they’re in.

Sample line: “It’s Dick Cheney’s fault that your fridge looks awful”

Beyonce: I shouldn’t have to justify including Beyonce. She could buy you in a second if she wanted to. You’re worse than scum, comparatively.

Sample line: something brilliant, obviously

So there you have it, the perfect recipe for solving any of the world’s big problems. You name it, and this all-star cast will sort it. You don’t have to talk down to anyone, be divisive or hurt anyone’s feelings, you just combine grime, country, thrash, punk, grindcore, trap and whatever other genre you like, put together a list of producers (one of whom is literally a convicted murderer) et voila: the Perfect Charity Single.

You’re welcome, Planet Earth.

Tags: Features