Back Page For One Night Only!: Stephen Malkmus curates his dream gig

They were extant from around the ‘70s to the ‘90s, but they never recorded an album. I’d call them in the [world of] Velvet Underground improvisational noise, but with structure. They have a cult following among the heads; they’re this lost band that was genius, that’s probably been helped by the internet and really well-recorded bootlegs of their shows. Their guitarist is one of the greatest of all time, so I’d like to see that guy shred. 

Fad Gadget are an early Mute band in the wheelhouse of Depeche Mode and I thought the singer was pretty clever; he was known for really insane shows, when he was young especially. I’d like to see them in their prime in the early ‘80s. Guerilla Toss are on Sub Pop and they started in about 2010 as a no-wave band. I’d like to see them then, when they were super intense and dark. Maybe I’ll bring earplugs and do some old man things – sit in the back… 

Astoria was a place where I played a few gigs in my day. It was a 1,000-ish people venue and [the sort of place where] I can imagine The White Stripes rattling the old plaster off the roof. It’s a little big maybe for this gig, but I want it to be inclusive. Astoria just makes me think of that era in the ‘90s and thinking that you’d made it a little bit but you’d not made it so much that you’re burnt out. You’ve not got a tour bus yet, it’s still early days, but you don’t have a microphone that smells like vomit from the singer of a death metal band that played before you. 

I’d take the tennis player Daniil Medvedev; I like a variety of sports but I’m mental for Medvedev. Then I’ve got a couple of starlets: Emma Stone because I wanna have a pretty girl there who’s talented that I don’t know, and Lana Del Rey. I’m not sure if she’d like Guerilla Toss but that’d be a reason for us to go back round the bar and have a warm Stella together if it’s too loud. Then I have Peter Doig who’s a pretty famous Scottish oil painter from my generation who’s just awesome. I’m having famous people come with me – that’s the way it goes! 

I don’t like to drink too much. I like to take a shot and have it just go into me – I don’t wanna sip cocktails all night. I’m not totally temperance movement but I’ll have a shot of whisky or tequila, and then I’ll nurse a can of whatever’s at the bar. Something cold to hold. It has to be in the spirit of the place, I don’t want a Chateau Lafite 1949 or something – that’s just not gonna go with the music, is it? 

I thought the five of us could go visit some Hawksmoor churches around the area, maybe meditate in there a little bit, get our game face on. Then maybe go to Pizza Express. 

Every tourist or band person should get locked into a pub in Hackney at some point. There’s a great jukebox and someone’s there with an acoustic guitar – they’re playing Syd Barrett songs and they’re virtuosos; they’re good guys. That’ll probably really impress Emma. 

Comedians aren’t allowed so not that… Maybe Christopher Walken tries to blag his way in and we shut him down. A friend told me a story that he was putting on a night in LA at the Viper Room and someone had told Christopher Walken there was gonna be hot chicks, so he turns up like: “Is this where the girls are?” But they didn’t recognise him so he got turned away.

Stephen Malkmus’ new group The Hard Quartet will release their eponymous debut album on 4th October via Matador.

Tags: Features, From The Magazine, September 2024, Stephen Malkmus, The Hard Quartet