True Brit The Brit Awards 2016 - A best case scenario
Nobody’s tripping on a cape this year, but here’s what you should be looking out for at tomorrow night’s ceremony.
The 2016 BRITs arrives to a soundtrack of discontent. It’s not the first time the back-patting ceremony lands in a spot of bother, but there’s a genuine swell of conversation asking the right questions. Everyone from Lily Allen to your nan is talking about the BRITs’ diversity problem, and whatever comes out of tomorrow night’s glitzy extravaganza, a current of change will look to set the agenda for 2017.
But this is where we’re at in 2016. We know the nominees. Performers have been confirmed. The ceremony definitely takes place from 8pm at London’s O2 Arena. Ant & Dec will be there. They even have their own “emojis”, for crying out loud. There’s no use pretending it’s not happening, so it’s over to the drawing board - let’s imagine all the brilliant things that could occur tomorrow night.
Without further ado…
1. Rihanna turns up, stands on a table at Nandos
There are plenty of certainties at this year’s BRITs. Adele will win at least a dozen awards. Calvin Harris and Aphex Twin will meet for the first time, marking the start of a longstanding collaborative journey. Little Mix will be amazing. These are guarantees. But there’s one nagging question: Is Rihanna actually going to turn up?
After a Grammys hoo-hah and various technical difficulties, Ri-Ri went on to postpone the first leg of her ‘ANTI’ world tour. But she’s still on the BRITs bill. People are asking questions, so what better way to arrive than via a spinning, rotisserie-filled Nandos table? One, it would echo the back-turned antics of Kanye West in 2015. Two, punters and guests could trade the fancy schmancy three-course menu for something more reliable. Everyone’s a winner.
2. The wind takes off James Bay’s hat
There was a faint hope in 2015 that, upon accepting his Critics’ Choice Award, newcomer James Bay would remove his trademark hat to reveal a Slipknot tattoo on top of his shiny, secretive head. It wasn’t to be. So let’s allow Mother Nature to intervene.
At some point tomorrow night - whether it’s on the red carpet or midway through acceptance speech - Bay’s divine, holy prism of hat will disappear. ‘Hold Back The Gale Winds’, he’ll sing, but it’ll be of no use. The hat will be a distant memory of the past. It’ll float past Lily Allen’s windowsill, via the M25 and into a ditch. That’ll be the end of it.
3. Chris Martin trashes his own table
Oh, Chris. Our Chris. Jesus ‘Chris’ Nazareth. King of the emotional festival banger, champion of the culturally unaware gap year adventure. Chris Martin is shaken up. An actual rock star hitched up to his table during last week’s NME Awards, and all Chris could do was stand and watch, sobbing silently behind an A-list, wide-mouthed smile.
Now it’s payback time.
Before moving onto the various ways in which Chris Martin’s rebellious streak will manifest, let’s first look at the BRITs’ “booze stats” for 2016. “1,600 bottles of Champagne will be enjoyed by guests, 5,500kg of ice [will] chill everyone’s drinks, 4,000 bottles of wine and 10,000 bottles of beer will be drunk” reads a press release that isn’t actually a mate from school’s stag do agenda. This is a recipe for disaster.
That’s not all. According to this year’s menu, Chris will be combining lethal amounts of booze with “Roasted Wight Isle tomato mousse with Scottish forest mushrooms and shaved truffle” for starters, a main that incorporates “lamb jus and marsh herbs”, followed by the most deadly of desserts. An “Eton Mess reinterpreted using poached Yorkshire rhubarb, vanilla custard, Chantilly cream and meringues, topped with a selection of nostalgic British sweets and a chocolate themed punk Mohican.” This is a punk dessert. Chris Martin is a punk. This is his moment. We’ll watch, jaws agape, as the Coldplay frontman mounts every table within sight, maniacally shouting “VIVA LA VIDA MOTHERFUCKERS, HAHAHAHAHA” until the credits roll.
4. Ant and Dec switch places, world ends
Ant and Dec. The two banter legends of primetime telly. The chirpy chaps who don’t have to eat any of the Australian jungle’s grub, their only role being to choke and guffaw at minor celebrities’ torment. But while they’re doing this - when they’re ruling the airwaves one laugh at a time - they’re in formation.
Don’t be alarmed, but this is slightly terrifying. Ant and Dec always stand with Ant on the right, Dec on the left. This never changes. They turn up to the airport like this. They meet members of the Royal Family with this in mind. It’s quite creepy when you think about it, but let’s consider the possibility that at any moment, this could stop. Chris Martin’s table-topping antics could go one step too far, jostling Ant off his chair and temporarily out of position. His flailed left leg could sneak slightly to the left side of Dec and that would be it, the world as we know it would implode. They’re not being weird, you see. Ant and Dec are protecting us.
5. Wolf Alice win British Breakthrough Act
Because something amazing and actually quite possible has to happen, right?
Fans have been voting for their favourite ‘British Breakthrough Act’ this past week. Search the respective hashtags of #BRITBREAKYEARS and #BRITBREAKWOLFALICE on Twitter and it’s probably easy to gauge who’ll wind up this year’s winner. But we prefer to keep the suspense.
Wolf Alice winning would in all seriousness be a massive scalp, and reason enough to skip sleep and party at Camden boozer The Hawley Arms, next to a Pam Hogg-designed trophy propped up on Theo Ellis’ newly-shaven head. What a time to be alive. Don’t rule it out.
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