Interview The Big Moon’s guide to festival fun

Put it between your boobs. It depends very much on the size of your boobs whether it’s a hip flask or a flagon of cider. A big clay pot of scrumpy might be tricky. You can also put vodka into empty bottles of make-up remover. That’s also made with alcohol, so it would smell like make-up remover, still.

Yeah. I mean, how do you get the alcohol in there?! Through the tiny, tiny hole. You probably have to put the alcohol in your mouth and blow it down the straw into the pouch, and sort of sellotape it closed. Too elaborate for me.

I’m a big believer in cans of cold things at festivals for sustenance. Remember to take things that have ring-pulls, though. Don’t end up hitting cans with a rock. Honestly, at festivals, let’s face it, you don’t eat very much. You really need one meal a day. Wake up around 1pm, and then create one dish out of all the strange items that you have. Something bread based, with a can of something on top, and perhaps some mayonnaise. You can compile it that way. And then when you get home, have a week of eating leafy greens and Spirulina

Don’t go to work that next week, or you’ll cry. Sort out a dark, cool room before you go, so that you can cocoon yourself when you return.

That’s Kate Moss’ fault, isn’t it? Festivals are not a fashion parade! I think you should take your shittiest clothes, with a couple of things that are either really sparkly, or really hilarious. Some kind of big hat you can pass around, or use as a beacon so your friends can find you. A sequinned jacket, too! When you’re out dancing, then you feel less like a mum. You feel like you can do the splits cos you’re wearing sparkly clothes.

Bumbags are the only way you don’t lose everything you own. Let’s face it, you won’t have a working phone, so the only things you have to lose are your drugs, or your money. Or cigarettes. A bumbag is the absolute best place to store those things.

Last year at Festival No. 6 I had a terrible hangover at the time. I went to do a hangover poo, and it was Sunday morning, so the toilet was still full from Saturday night. It was full to the brim with soggy tissue, and diarrhoea, and that weird blue liquid. There was shit on the seat and on the walls. No loo roll. I just ended up doing a squat. My friend once told me that a festival toilet is the only place where you can go and have a wank. So disgusting! Standing in a portaloo and tossing one off! That’s real desperation. I wouldn’t do that.

No, I haven’t. I’ve thought about it, but one of my friends got one, and when she tried to use one at a festival, we all watched her. We were very excited, but the wee just went all down her leg, into her shoe.

I broke a tooth having sex in a tent. One of my molars. I got shouldered in the chin and then half of one of my back teeth fell out! It did spoil the mood a little bit….

I’m pretty good at hooking up with the person who has the best tent. You really have to buddy up with the most practical friend that you have, and use their leak-proof tent. Last year we played at Secret Garden Party, and it was a washout – everyone was just walking around looking so wet and sad! You’d see people’s tents that hadn’t been pegged down properly blowing across the field like tumbleweed.

I think they’re wasting time, unless they’re really desperate…. but just ask someone! Everyone’s in a good mood, so just go up and say ‘Hi, I haven’t got any money, and I’ve been picking up cups for half an hour and I can’t get enough to get a beer. Can you please buy me a beer?’. Or say ‘Have you got a flagon of cider hidden between your boobs?’ I don’t think it’s worth it.

*it’s a sort of funnel thing, designed so women can (they claim) pee standing up and use special ladies’ urinals. Er… no thanks.

The Big Moon will play The Great Escape (19th-21st May), and Latitude (14th-17th July) where DIY is an official media partner. Tickets are on sale now. Visit diymag.com/presents for more information.

Taken from our Festival Guide 2016 in association with Ticketweb. Read more at diymag.com/festivals.

Tags: The Big Moon, Festivals, Features