The Weeknd just released ‘False Alarm’, the most hilarious song of the year

Right then. The Weeknd’s completely lost it, everybody.

Last week he unveiled his new album ‘Starboy’ with a stream of its title track. So far, so fine. The track itself, featuring Daft Punk, was a bit of a nothingness, but on ‘False Alarm’ he’s gone full whack on the bonkers.

Let’s analyse.

• 00:01 - That funky fresh beat. He’s gone all HAIM, except for some reason there’s some reverb-y whimpering over the top.
• 00:32 - High pitched analysis of what a girl’s up to. So far, so Weekn— Oh god, it’s speeding up. He’s gonna go all EDM on us isn’t h—
• 00:41 - Why does that skittering hi-hat fill us with so much dread?
• 00:52 - Why is he harmonising with a robot version of himself?
• 1:01 - WHY IS HE STRANGLING A CAT.
• 1:03 - WHAT’S WITH THIS DROP?! WHAT’S WITH THE “FALSALAAAAAHM” THAT MAKES IT SOUND LIKE HE’S STEPPED ON A LEGO.
• 1:04 - “HEY HEY HEY HEY”
• 1:12 - That blood curdling scream. He’s stepped on a plug now. Tidy your room, Abel.
• 1:30 - There’s just so much going on here. There’s about seventeen different noises hopping in and out in one verse.
• 1:55 - Oh look the harmonis-o-bot is back. Is this his Bon Iver moment?
• 2:07 - Hahahaha fucking hell seriously this chorus mate.
• 2:34 - The emotional middle eight. This is it. This is more Weeknd. Maybe everything’s going to redeem its—
• 2:55 - FALSALAAAAAHM HEYHEYHEYHEY
• 3:18 - It all ends with The Weeknd whimpering, for a good half a minute. That’s the sound of a man broken by the pop machine, everybody. Drink it in.

Listen below. Try not to laugh. Or cry.